Recently, a very senior finance executive and I were having a conversation on the economy and how it has affected people in the workplace. Then he made a statement: “Human beings are not logical creatures, they are rather biological creatures whose actions and inaction are based on chemical reactions in their body and in most cases, they aren’t in control.” This statement resonated with me because I have done a lot of studies over the years on people management. Dale Carnegie, the maestro of human relations, captured this essence perfectly in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” when he wrote that “we are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotions, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
These expressions give you an insight into how dealing with people will not follow a logical sequence. You can’t escape dealing with people – they’re everywhere, from the neighbor who is always disturbing with loud music to the colleague who never meets deadlines, to direct reports whose reports are filled with errors, to line managers who always bully others or even family members. You will meet the good, and you will meet the very difficult ones. For the good people, here’s my golden rule: Don’t abuse their good nature. I’ve seen too many kind souls change their attitude after years of being taken for granted. Remember, even a saint has breaking points.
For the difficult ones – well, that’s why you’re reading this article. Here’s where it gets interesting: I once had a session with a director who complained about having “impossible” board members. After several moments of meeting, we discovered he was the common denominator in most conflicts. The irony of this message is that some difficult people actually think other people are the difficult ones. In other cases, some difficult people are unable to change their difficult ways no matter how hard you try. However, it is your responsibility to find a way to extract ease from the people you deal with so as get your results through them.
Being a skilled communicator is one of the ways to manage difficult people. Skillful communication isn’t about crafting perfect emails or giving rousing speeches. It’s about mastering the art of listening. Take for example, a sales director known for turning around “problem” clients has as one of his secrets the art of listening. Always refrain from desiring to pass across everything in your mind. Seneca’s wisdom that “the strongest man is he who controls himself” isn’t just philosophical fluff. I observed this in action when an employee who keeps his cool has always turned around for positives his volatile line manager. You must be able to control yourself when you are with people. It is your greatest strength. As a line manager, you can’t afford to scold your team members every time you feel like. Listen to your team members when they encounter troubles and help proffer solutions. Speak less and listen more. Lao Tzu said, “Restraint is the hallmark of true strength.”
Patience is another way to manage difficult people. There is no way you will manage difficult people, and you won’t get hurt sometimes. Managing difficult people requires emotional resilience. A dear friend complained to me about her challenging colleague. I asked her, “Do you respond every time your spouse does something annoying?” She laughed and said no. The same principle applies to professional relationships. To be at peace with difficult people, you will exercise patience in managing them.
The last point is that you must understand first before you can be understood. To get the best from any individual, you will have to take time to understand them. Remember the insight about biological creatures? Here’s how to apply it: Before trying to change someone’s behavior, understand their emotional drivers. A “difficult” employee might be dealing with personal challenges, professional insecurities, or simply a different communication style. There is hardly anything you can do to change anyone who is dealing with professional insecurities. You will need to accommodate such individuals and understand their interests. When you can understand the interests of any individual, you will be able to manage him. You have a responsibility to understand how you can penetrate the emotion of a difficult person.
Managing difficult people isn’t about changing them – it’s about changing how you understand and interact with them. Like a skilled diplomat, your success lies not in winning arguments but in building bridges across emotional landscapes.
Remember: Behind every difficult person is a human being driven by emotions, fears, and aspirations. Your task isn’t to logic your way through these interactions but to navigate them with empathy, patience, and understanding.
As you head back to your workplace, neighborhood, or home, carry this in mind: The next difficult person you encounter is an opportunity to practice these principles. Who knows? You might discover that the most challenging relationships often lead to the most significant personal growth.